Sometimes, you have to take a step back and reevaluate the situation. Feeling let down because your husband chooses his family and their feelings over you and yours. The thing is, when your husband lived with his parents, his priorities were different. Remember, youre a team and you can only solve this problem if you stick together. When children are socialized in India it is drilled into their head that your parents will always be your priority and even now when sons want to have a separate residence after marriage there is severe criticism not only from parents but also relatives and the neighbors who keep saying: there goes the son tied to the wifes pallu. Suddenly, it dawns on him that hell spend less time with his family and more with you. This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. Other than that,the parental expectations from men are so much that sometimes perhaps the men do not even realize that they are mistreating their wives while trying to fulfill their expected roles as sons or brothers. She should not be an obstacle in the . Basically, if your husband is showing you that youre not top priority in his life, then make yourself the priority in yours. Still not sure what to do about your husband taking the side of his family over you? Is there anything I can do about it?. Small gestures of love do not imply that your husband chose his mom over you. Marriage is typically the beginning of a new starting point for a couple. We all know one and your man might be one, but you failed to see it before getting hitched. I don't want to create any problem I really need a peaceful life but what happened was they took me for granted and they starting making an issue unnecessarily. You can work on a budget accordingly and make a list of the activities you would want to do. Make him sit down and explain to him that while its wonderful that he feels that his cousin needs him in the hospital and he visits her every day or that hes there for his sister but he could also feel for his son and help him out with Maths. 17/02/2020. But what ever they buy its none of my business. "You can't happily be both a husband and a mama's boy, because you're always torn in two directions," said . But the thing is, when the problem occured he was not my side. If a part of his income goes to his family, ensure a part of your income goes to your family too. Then make it very clear to your relatives without being rude that you have work to do when they are dropping in so if you remain confined to your room, they should not hold it against you. While attending my first family gathering wearing Hijab, I was eyed very curiously at first, but with time they have come to accept my choice. Ive lost my self confidence. I will admit that your post was a little difficult for me to understand (are you using an online translator? You are making the right decision. This can only be achieved by each spouse knowing and fulfilling the rights of the other in the best manner. Go the professional route. Besides having a family holiday does not mean having the elderly with you all the time. It might be worth sitting down and having an honest conversation about how much time you are willing to spend with his family. 1. Sit him down and make it very clear to him that this is absolutely not cool with you. This is a common problem women face in collectivistic cultures and especially in the sub-continent. This is alright as long as it is not a repeated thing. He was never violent, just sometimes aggressive. Your husband might not even know that you feel that he is choosing his family over you. Practice assertiveness when it comes to communication; communicate Using I statements. The problem seems to be when your mother-in-law and father-in-law suddenly become intruders. Performance cookies are used to understand and analyze the key performance indexes of the website which helps in delivering a better user experience for the visitors. We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. It is not that he loves his own family any less but he is unable to do the balancing act because of his mental conditioning. And then there are times when men choose to live with their parents even though they have some other options. One simple piece of advice that can go a long way in resolving the deadlock is to become a part of his family, in true earnest. If you are living with the in-laws you cannot really restrict relative visits because the elderly people are usually free to entertain guests. Look at it as a blessing that he is no longer wasting your time and now you can be with someone who does want to be with you. Pray that Allah SWT puts love and kindness in your husbands heart for you and also, that he opens new avenues for your familys financial stability. As a consequence of them maturing early, they usually learn how to be independent from an early age and get married sooner than men. These cookies help provide information on metrics the number of visitors, bounce rate, traffic source, etc. You can sort out your feelings by talking. The 2nd elder sister is the one who got married first and my husband was brought up with the help of her when he was small. Have your husbands family members ever disrespected you in front of him and/or your children without your husband saying anything in your defense? His family members dont offer salah but He looks at how im offering salah i try improving it daily but he still criticizes me greatly. Copyright A Conscious Rethink. Be careful to always approach him with respect and try to be patient. And I know that this kind of situation can be very hurtful and you just want to let all the anger out and say whats on your mind. You are not entirely wrong, if youre convinced, My husband puts his friends and family before me. Tell your husband that you have no issues visiting your in-laws but if it could be made an alternative week affair then as a couple you could have some me-time. The way to approach situations where his parents feel that it is okay to force their views and wishes upon you is to do so tactfully and respectfully. He lacks of interest, love, romance, and sexual desires. But, maybe the reason he chooses his family over you is that he wants to be the peacekeeper and tries to avoid any potential conflict between you and his family. I was married at the age of 23 and my husband was 27. Women's inheritance laws in Islam. And, quite frankly, if he cant change his ways and treat you as an equal to his family, there are any great choices. But, lets be honest, its a little unreasonable to expect that to keep happening now the two of you have partnered up. He tells his mother and sister all that happens between the two of us. It can seem that your marriage is falling apart and that your husbands spending more time with his family than with you. You and your partner must put in an equal amount of effort, propose solutions, and have each others backs no matter what. I know this is a very difficult position to be in. . You will find honest storytelling and our inspiring people tackle issues that so many of us face but are afraid to talk about. Required fields are marked *. But there is a balance to be struck here. A person who comes from a very large, close-knit Asian family may have a very different dynamic from someone who was raised in a small, reserved Scandinavian family instead. Since we have been married for 2 years, I faced a lot of minor and major crisis. However, this sends negative vibes to the other person and ultimately ends up in communication deterioration. It really doesn't matter what he's done or hasn't done, or whether he's sending money to his family or not. In that case, you have to understand his true feelings or maybe encourage him to break the patriarchal norms of the family. They three are united to an extent that i have no place. In those situations, its always difficult to take sides when some major or minor conflicts happen. If i tell him of my plans he will tell hismother and he changes his mind. Plus, we are sure, you wouldnt really appreciate a man who is not there with his parents when they genuinely and really need him. I didn't do any wrong there was no any mistakes but then and there he tried to clarify that there wont be any issue "Let's live together and live a peaceful life.". Think Aloud is a destination where youll find stories about every step you, as a woman, take. It requires you to have a lot of understanding and compassion. And you are struggling with your childrens studies and could do with some help from him in Maths. He is v strict doesnt let me do anything. My husband has 3 elder sisters. My husband has always catered to his family. Instead, hes allowing you to be mistreated, disrespected, and made to feel like crap. You are afraid he might kill you. He was treating me as his maid. There were some problems with my husband, and at work, and he could not leave the UK and did not see his family for eight years. Its always a good thing to see your husband spending time with his family and friends, but overly prioritizing one over the other can have a huge impact on your marriage. Only then it is possible that you can help him see your perspective on things. This can get complicated if the parents are helping you financially. Catherine Winter is a writer, art director, and herbalist based in Quebec's Outaouais region. But not all of us are ready and know how to compromise. You could be living with your husband's family or you could be living in a separate residence but when your husband chooses his family over you then it's a constant battle that you have to keep fighting in your life. Also, gifting them would usually remove hatred from their hearts. This brings us to the perennial dilemma of what to do when your husband is too attached to his family. And most marriages dont have any issues with their in-laws as most of them live their separate lives and are aware that they should mind their own business. My husband chooses his family over me Monday, March 29th, 2021 00:00 | By. Though my description of my issue could be detailed and long I kindly ask apology for it and my humble request is that please read out my discussion and give sense about it. 4. I receive a commission if you choose to purchase anything after clicking on them. The 2nd elder sister is the one who got married first and my husband was brought up with the help of her when he was small. It is natural that you will feel put down and dismissed. Marriage is a sacred bond. Fighting wont resolve the issue at hand, ever! If you see that most of your husbands income is given away to his parents for the upkeep of their home and you are left struggling with the finances at the end of the month, then it becomes really frustrating. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Other. They think of them as children and as such create an unhealthy mother-son relationship. Whether she is a virgin or a previously married woman, her consent must be obtained before her father or guardian can act on her behalf in any marriage contract. Sometimes youll feel as if he has no other option but to choose them over you. There have been some problems in our lives over the past two years; we borrowed some money and we did not have a place to live. At this point, when she is older and much more independent one would expect that he would give you more time and consideration. Even when I have an illness, he doesn't take care of me. But dont let those feelings turn into resentment. In no event shall AboutIslam, its counselors or employees be held liable for any damages that may arise from your decision in the use of our services. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. Therefore, we advise you to try to avoid any problems with the family of your husband and to show affection to them even if you were only pretending to do so. But that I think we need counseling. Share your feelings with him and see how hell react. Everything is going to be alright. We dont get to choose our family members, but we do get to choose our life partners. Couples who live in the same house as their in-laws have the feeling as if theyre married to the whole family. He grew up with them, so things cant change overnight. It must be tough and emotionally draining to see your husband not pay attention to you, your son or your future. That way, he wont be offended when you bring up the issue. Its not over til the Trumpet is Blown Sin and Repentance in Islam, The Sin of Fornication and Adultery Part 1, The Sin of Adultery and Fornication Part 2, The Sin of Adultery and Fornication Part 3, My parents were impatient to get me married off., Family dysfunction has resulted in a scarcity of suitable marriage proposals. Sure, he may be very close with his blood family, but he chose you to be part of this family. So if he has money to buy one Kanjeevaram saree, he will buy it for his mother. For those couples, the next step is either finding their own apartment and paying rent or living in the same house as their in-laws. And now that hes married, he might have difficulties changing them as he failed to mature enough to do so. But before all of that, you have to give him space and time to initiate the change. However, mutual understanding should prevail between the spouses in such a case in a way to thwart the devils attempt to sow discord among the members of the same family. Healthy communication with your partner means you always talk about everything with him and make all of your decisions together. She has been known to subsist on coffee and soup for days at a time, and when she isn't writing or tending her garden, she can be found wrestling with various knitting projects and befriending local wildlife. You may want to try speaking to someone via RelationshipHero.com for empathetic, specific, and genuinely insightful relationship advice at its most convenient. As such, they may not be aware of how unhealthy it is, or how badly their family members behavior is affecting you. Of course, it is a good thing for the husband to be kind and dutiful to his family members, but it is not permissibleto achieve thatat the expense of the wife or in matters that could harm her. By Kimberly Ben When I reverted to Islam over 10 years ago, I received mixed reactions from my friends and family. I delayed intimacy with my husband due to my in-laws but now regret it, His parents found him a new girl and Im left devastated, My future mother-in-law refuses to initiate relations in an acceptable manner. All Rights Reserved | Contact Us | Advertise | Privacy Policy, If Your Husband Chooses His Family Over You, Heres What To Do, Speak to a certified and experienced relationship coach to help you figure out a plan of action if your husband chooses his family over you. But instead of festering and fighting with him, you could think of taking some steps so that he could balance his own family and your aspirations as well. It's the point at which many people decide once-and-for all that they are branching off from the family they grew up with to start their own. They have been doing this for many years until a little while ago, they burst at him and crossed every line of disrespect. Some families are close. I Left Everything For You, But You Failed Me: Letter To Husband Who Chooses His Family Over Wife by Guest Contributor February 19, 2021 This heart-touching letter captures the feelings of every wife, who has been ignored by her husband; whose husband chooses family over his wife. 2. Recently, I flew back to my residence and there his sister and her daughters wanted to create a barrier between us. No relationship is worth tolerating abuse and disrespect for. Dont try to argue with him about why hes choosing his family over his wife. And thats a beautiful thing. What Do You Do When Your Husband Chooses His Family Over You? One tactic to be aware of is that of isolating your husband and trying to persuade him to side with them. The cookie is set by GDPR cookie consent to record the user consent for the cookies in the category "Functional". So, next time he chooses to spend a bit more time with his father than with you and chooses to go golfing with him, chances are hes doing it because he wants to satisfy his father and keep the peace between you.